Gustav Strom

In the biz, I'm Artie Crescent. I can capture the mood of a room through hastily put together collage. I would like to hug a penguin at some point in my life.I'm a veteran of war, expert ice sculptor, and banned from Nicaragua. In my free time I teach badgers to whistle and participate in erotic pillow fights. I once roundhoused kicked a Polar Bear into a coma. Feeling bad about the bear incident, I founded St. Jude's Hospital for Children and Bears. Tupac lives in my basement. I invented the playtpus by crossbreeding 2 ducks, a beaver, and Drew Barrymore. I am immune to ice cream headaches. The movie Anchorman is loosely based off my adventures in a San Diego airport.I bake delicious banana bread and have never watched the Gilmore Girls. I have urinated on the moon, fought Cassius Clay, and put together the shrine of the silver monkey. I was voted most likely to be the ninth reincarnation of the Buddha. At age 6 the Hamburgler attempted to swipe my happy meal so I curb stomped him. My PB and J is gourmet and I mix filthy beats. I started a camp for people who pop their collars, but it's not the good kind of camp. I'm a Chinese warlord, a Guetamalan folk singer, and an African goddess. Did I say goddess? You bet your a*s I did. I am the next great thing in the field of taxidermy. Last month, I won the national award for perfection in the category of hair. I am the reigning MVP of the Slovenian handball league. I am the real slim shady and that’s why I’m standing up.I will taze you bro and will not apologize for doing so. I am the reason Derek Zoolander doesn’t turn left. My raindancing puts the Sioux to shame. During World War II, I singlehandedly destroyed an entire fleet of the German Luftwaffe. I have battled the Chinese Snow Cougar and lived to tell the tale. I am Chuck Norris's hero. Every other tuesday I put on a bear suit and terrorize Alaskan villages. I choose not to obey the first and third laws of motion because Isaac Newton is a punk b***h. I set the world midget tossing record and know the terrible secret of the lobster. My Boston accent is impeccable, my taste in interior design impressive, and my creativity incomparable. In short, I'm pretty awesome.