Underground Writers Network Forum new submission (rated mature)

I'm submitting this piece of erotica one to the groups. Maybe later I'll make a general submission for the cafe and the world of the internet. Let me think about it. If you know how to use the Likemeter� give me some critiques. -- Marc

Happy New Year
by Marc McCune

your tongue in my mouth, darting, probing. Then you take mine. My hand to your breast, your n****e firm under the fabric of your blouse, your bra. Your teeth, a sharp bite to my cheek. I just nibble at you, can't leave any marks. This dance floor is packed, but it is just you and me. With your back pressed up against my chest, you've guided my hands to your full tits. I caress and fondle, as your hands, reach back to stroke my c**k, stiff with excitement. We sway to the funk. JB pounding in our ears. You thrust back at me, my c**k straining to contact you, though held captive in these clothes. Then you turn towards me. Again, your lips and tongue. And my hands thrust between your legs, stroke your p***y, try to make you wet. Arms and bodies, eyes all around. Yet we are alone in this lust. No care but for our common attraction, our mutual touches. I want to taste all of you, not just your mouth. That is left for another time and place. We've got the rest of the year.

I would only suggest using some breaks, perhpas in the form of paragraphs, perhaps using a different set of punctuation.

Erotica is not a style I am too familiar with, but I enjoyed the development and the intensity generated by the different instances.

The speaker's voice doesn't sound genuine. In describing a hyper-aware state of sexual arousal, phrases less trite than "c**k stiff with excitement," and the elaboration of standalone words like "caress and fondle," might be of some use.

You have more work to do if you want to call this "erotica."

There is nothing erotic about this piece. "Sway to the funk?" Why? And what is the look in her eyes, what is meaning behind each place on our body she guides the speaker's hands-----how can this provoke any emotion in us, if you treat these characters as if they aren't human; no more than a fondlehappy porn-robot going through the motions with a blow up doll on a dance floor, with all the usual vocabulary?

Treat sex with some respect, and stop fantasizing.

Erotica needs serious explitive. Words like pork sword, meat spike, gut wrench, velvet tool drawer, quivering mound of love pudding, purple headed warriors spearing the delicate doe flesh, etc... I liked this more if it was broken into verse and entitled something more mundane, yet heartfelt like "The Kiss" or something. It was a tad too racey for just any someone to read, but fell to the softer side of the core. I'd like to compare this to a diamond. Prescious in it's own way, yet in need of the cutter's blade to truly show the brilliance within. I often begin a poem by writing something similar to this. I try to add as much detail as I can. I then take the individual moments of the piece and line them with some guilding. for instance:

your tongue in my mouth, darting, probing
Then you take mine.
My hand to your breast
your n****e firm under the poly cotton blend
Your teeth, a sharp bite to my cheek.
I just nibble, unable to leave my mark
The crowd is the world, only you and I live in.
Your back my chest,

and on and on. The remainder of the piece was more risque, but could easily fold itself into poetic form.

If the piece is to remain erotic, it needs a dash more spice. If you're going to write a poem, you might as well be able to feel it, if you're going to write a self help book, you might as well be able to believe it, and if you're going to write erotica you might as well be able to turn yourself on by it. It needed more. I think that the language may have been too mundane, and the physical reactions too downplayed. I always make my woman's back arch like the McDonald's sign, and take pleasure in watching her fight the fearsome moans that battle their way through her vocal cords. When I read something erotic, the guy in the story should be twice the lover I am, and the woman should be twice the lover I could ever handle. Never downplay when pidgeoning yourself into erotica. It is a subject that is narrow in scope, so it should be broad and rich in fantasy. Cat O Nine has a piece entitled "Swallow", and another called "Devil in the Details". These offer a fair guide on the over the top nature of erotica. The latter, though, made me feel like god was looking over my shoulder as I read.. too creepy.

Good suggestions so far. The very reason I posted the piece here, was for critique and suggestions.

Let me say that is is not a fantasy or imagination, but a 1st try at being descriptive, trying to capture the spirit and feeling that was on the dance floor, my partner being no mere blow-up doll, as suggest by Zach. And I agree with J. Patrick that erotica need to be erotica. It is there to turn you on, to stir an emotion. To say that erotica can't or shouldn't be graphic is missing the point of erotica. Though I also agree that erotica is not pornography, which I was not writing. There is really no need to not be specific and describe the c**k in stead of using a watered down metaphor.

But still...good food for thought in performing a rewrite. Thanks for the suggestions so far.

-marc