Underground Writers Network Forum Poets lend me thine eyes

This came to me as i was trying to get to sleep last night. I generally do not write poetry so do any of you have any suggestions?



Thanks, and mod please remove this post if this isn't the place for it

Ronin

I haven't had much time today, but I am printing it and I'll tell you tomorrow ;)

The Black Waves of Despair-

My breath is always labored
My speech quiet and reserved
This weight upon my shoulders
seems more than I deserve

My gait is quite unsteady
on this lonely trip
Plowing through the rough sea
on this empty ship

The craft is pitching wildly
the mast is battered by the gale
the rudder has been long broken
and gusts have stolen away the sail

The ship is taking water
from up over the bow
I know i must hang on through this
But i can't see how

I'll ride this vessel to the end
but it won't seem fair
to have fought but end up swallowed
by the black waves of despair


First off, let me say that as a sailor of many years, nautical themes are very moving to me. The power and beauty of the ocean is inspirational, and terrifying all at once.

Now, to the poem. I think that you have handled metaphor well in the piece. A small bit of advice in writing rhyming poetry:

Rhyming lines should have the same number of syllables to establish a strong rythmn.

Ex)

The craft is pitching wildly
the mast is battered by the gale
the rudder has been long broken
and gusts have stolen away the sail

Vs.

The craft is pitching wildly,
the mast battered by the gale
The rudder has long been broken
and gusts have stolen the sail

It gives rythmn to the rhyme. I thought your imagery was both colorful and profound. It held a really identifiable mood, as well. For a non poet you did more right than wrong.. perhaps you should continue to hone your craft since you hold an obvious skill in the style. I'm a natural rhymer... in another life I probably could have been a rapper (even though I'm a metal head at heart), so much of my work also rhymes. Try writing a non rhyming poem for the sake of experiment.. I do it every so often to challenge myself. Rhymes make rythmn easy. The lack of a rhyme scheme forces the writer to focus on flow and structure by taking away the easy button. Very good for someone who doesn't write much poetry, you have a way with image.