Underground Writers Network Forum Looking for an in-depth analys..

I just added an excerpt from a book I'm writing to this group. I'm still a newbie with a LOT to learn, so I'd like you to please read it and give a thorough review of it. In the Author's Notes I included what I specifically want feedback on. Please be honest, but also be gentle. I know it's not up to the standards of this site, but I'm very new to writing and want some pointers.