The Unreviewed Forum My Story needs improvement, bu..

The story I submitted here is called Element Academy. I love the concept, and it really flowed well from my mind to the screen, and I want to make it wonderful. What I have, I feel, is good, but if I'm wrong, then tell me I'm wrong. Will someone, anyone, please give me constructive criticism on this piece?

I have been toying with several ideas that have been rolling around in my head for as long as I can remember and was finally able to begin putting them to the page, so to speak. Anyway, I have hit a stopping point and am fighting the urge to give up on 'All This and $10 on 2'. I tried getting some of my IRL friends and a few members of my family to help with reviewing, but their reviews are along the lines of, "It's really good." and "I like it a lot." but there are no criticisms or anything else that would help me make this better and push this through to a full-on book.   I am hoping that the members of this group can help me to at least get back on the horse.