The Review Club Forum The Response Thread

Okay, so I'm going to shake things up here. I figured I'd create one thread for all responses to any story. That way we can see what each other is struggling with and maybe someone has a different perspective on the issue. If you all don't like it we can go back to the old way.

Review up B. Billy Curtis.

To Gabe:

Yea it's rough :) I'm already working on the revision/rewrite of certain areas. I'd say I've written about 12k words altogether trying to find that chapter. That's it but it is still in its raw form. It was Sunday before I finally realized what I wanted to do with it. A lot of slashing and quick writing. I agree with you on every point you made.

I do have a question though. Well a couple. 1) What did you think about the Q and A part? Not what follows but just that part?
2) Did you realize the kid with the chainsaw was Reggie from the prologue?

The q and A is a little rough, no question marks even though it seems to be in real time. I liked it's placement though kinda bfore you explained what happened.

Reggie? no I didn't notice... I would find a marker in your original description of him to make the refrence. I thought it might be him when you talked about his carpenter jeans, but alas I missed the luis vill sugger so I second guessed myself. Talk to you soon

Gabe

Belle: Do you have a paypal account I can send some money too? You really write some incredible reviews.

Belle and Kim,

Thank you both again for the reviews. I think there's definitely a consensus that there's not enough information about the relationship with Him or the quitting the job at the end, and those are things I'll have to work on.

I have two questions for both of you. First, what did you think of the blended second person POV, the use of "you" throughout the story? Second, and I know this is a difficult question, but what sort of information about the job, placed earlier in the story, would help highlight that the narrator's actions are related to unhappiness with what she's doing, not really her relationships?

Again, you guys have been great in looking at this and giving me things to think about.

-cc

I think I mentioned the second person narration in my review. Although, I didn�t call it that. I said something along the lines of the style of the narrator talking to or writing to someone didn�t seem to work.

As far as information about her job causing the unhappiness and not the relationship with Him goes, maybe you could add something like her complaining about the job. What is it she doesn�t like about it? Why is she unhappy with it?

Quote:


Ha! Ha! You funny!

I'll take all the friendship I can get, though. How 'bout that? ::cool::

And, CC, I'll get back to you on your questions, especially about the job. I personally liked the POV that you used. It really fit the nature of the story.

Thanks for the review AmyV. I agree with you on your comments. Some of it has been addressed in the third revision, mostly in thanks to CC's hard work, but it's not up. One of my goals in writing it was to give the reader the impression we were talking about vampires but not actually say it out loud. I'm trying not to as long as possible. I hope you will get to review more chapters. Hopefully I'll get to review some of your writing soon.

Thanks all for the excellent reviews. I will be working this piece this week with all your comments. Surprised to have been asked to do a rewrite by the editor instead of "not for us". ;-)

Rob

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I've got my fingers crossed that the rewrite comes back from the editor with an acceptance. Good luck! Not like you need it -- it's a great story.

-cc

To Cameron:

Thanks for the read and the review. I knew there would be some confusion with it being three chapters in, but what you had to say about that pointed several things out that I need to work in much earlier so that things are more understandable.

I just read it for the first time and your dislike of the 'why he writes' is dead on. It sounded horribly like grandstanding to me when I read it and gives me a great idea to work each statement in throghout the book progressively. Also, I seriously agree with you that the beginning of that chapter needs some serious work. I forced that part out and it reads accordingly.

I hadn't picked up on 'is there someone else in the car with him' until you pointed it out. Reading from the beginning would eliminate that, but I do want the distinction between there be being two of "she" and "her" --- one being the car and the other being "Summer" the girl who hasn't been introduced at this point.

The jumping back and forth is understandably confusing. After an enciting event the narrator goes on a binge and frequently throughout he writes about the writing of the book. I struggle with how to make this flow well more than anything and will go back to the beginning to improve the transitions before I continue with where I am in this book.

Thanks again for all of the feedback. I am very new to writing and need all the help I can get. Point is, it's about the reader. I could write best sellers just for myself all day (audience of one). Positive or negative, I'm more interested in what you, the reader, think and feel.

-Norm

Norm -

I totally understand, it is all about the reader for me too. And I think you can have that distinction between him - the writer and her- the car. I just thought it needed to be clearer for me. Now that might be a factor of being three chapters into it. So it could always be me. ::biggrin::

See as far as the writer bit, working it in throughout the piece might work. But honestly I think you might want to avoid saying the specifics, instead try to show them. And if your feeling really clever (which I admit I rarely am sucessfully clever, so take it as you will) you might want to show those attributes of being a writer through things that don't involve writing. I mean what character traits make this person a writer and how does that translate into more mundane aspects. Like say how does he go grocery shopping? I mean you've got a great thing with the car. And the Noah Webster thing. Because those are definite actions which unite everyone. Being a writer is generally an experience that is particular to each writer (even though we all do have some of the same fears and insecurites). Okay I'm done rambling and you can take what you will from all of that :) Overall though I thought it was a neat idea, and some parts were really brilliant.