The Review Club Forum Opinion

I saw this done in a book and I like it. As you all probably know I'm all about expresseing characters thoughts. Take a look at this little paragraph and tell me if you think I'm going to far with it puhlease..


�Not even a pinky picture,� he said taking back his hand and swinging his feet out of bed. For a moment she got a glimpse of the future, his future. He didn�t look thirty-one but eighty-one. He walked hunch backed, like a bent spoon balanced on end. His arms, shoulders, and head crooked forward forming the bowl of the spoon. She watched him open the master bathroom door
      (seeing the back of that head all too often�)
and turn on the light. The past couple of weeks she could feel him getting distant. Lately he had been working his state job like it was a corporate 500 and he was climbing the ladder. At home he seemed to teeter on the edge of being mildly irritable and full out angry. That was when he wasn�t horny, though, but at least that alleviated worries of infidelity. Maybe it was the move to this apartment. Neither was happy about it. Maybe it�s just me.

It is the part in the parenthesis I'm questioning.

Anthony:

Of course this is all a matter of what works for you, the author, but I'm not a fan of parentheses for thoughts. I think it's fine to use them, or anything else. AS LONG AS YOU USE IT WELL, otherwise it comes off as a stunt. Like changing POV mid-stream, or using present tense, or passive voice. If it works, good for you! If it doesn't, you run the risk of turning off the reader.

For me personally, I think you can pull anything off, so why not try?

Julie

I agree with you but how else would you interject thoughts in the middle of a sentence. By doing it this way where the paragraph is split by one line of thought in parenthesis and now him walking away has more meaning to it. We can get closer to her as she sees things.

I'm really thinking about this format more towards intense scenes. Not something I want on every page. Make it the editorial equivalent of an exclamation point. but for emotional thought.

OK, here's my question. Why the paranthetical instead of putting it at the end of the sentence? (No, that's not rhetorical.)

-cc

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I don't want to try and justify it and give some BS answer to your very good question.

The point I hope for using it in mid sentence for some thoughts is giving the thought right when the character is thinking it. Not after he hits the light switch but right as he is doing it. I guess I'm after more active writing.

That said, this probably isn't the best place to use it. What I'm thinking about useing it in heated discussions/arguments or when some intense action or horro takes place. To give more weight to what is actually happening.

I think it's a perfectly justifiable technique -- it might not be just right in that spot. I don't much like parentheses, though -- isn't the italics enough to set it off? Or dashes?

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I think you are right on all accounts. I was thinking the parenthesis would be needed but upon further thinking, probably dashes would be better or just use italics with an indent. I'm going to remove it form this spot in the chapter I'm rewriting and try it in an action scene coming up next chapter. Just wanted some opinions on what people would think seeing a paragraph split up like that.