The Review Club Forum honest comments, please

I'm looking for completely frank assessment of this sentence. I won't argue with anyone's opinion, I promise. I just want to know what you think of it as a structure, without any of the freight of story and character, before I go on.



There was a tall ship, on a still summer night when mist covered the water gently and was not thick, and the sky was laced with blazing stars, except in the east, where dawn was beginning in a pale green wash.

I like the sentence except for this part which makes it clunky... when mist covered the water gently and was not thick,

Well my Lunch break is over so it is time for me to get back to work.

In my opinion, which is a very different style than yours, it is too much in descriptive, pretty words, and lacks actual meaning. The structure is fine, but it is a bit clunky as Anthony put it as you cram numerous images. Now on the other hand, it takes care of any and all pesky explain the locale issues of a scene.

There was a tall ship on a still summer night, mist covered the water gently, and the sky was laced with blazing stars, except in the east, where dawn was beginning in a pale green wash.

Yep I like this one.

After some more thought on it

There was a tall ship on a still summer night, when mist covered the water gently and was not thick, and the sky was laced with blazing stars, except in the east, where dawn was beginning in a pale green wash.

I think what bothered me was that placement of that first comma. But no doubt that one line wraps up the whole scene. The picture is clear as day.