The Review Club Forum Discussion for Bill's War on E..

Discussion for Bill's War on Error

Dear Gabe,

Thanks for your review of Scenes 1 & 2.

I'm glad that, having read the scenes, you think the content is worth pursuing further.

Your question about the hook recalls what one reviewer of an earlier draft wrote in Urbis:

Quote:


If you thought of an opening line, or saw something else from the content, where you thought I might have missed an opportunity to make a hook, I am of course open to suggestions.

Hey Bill, I didn't mean there wasn't a hook. I meant that it woudl have been great to see one sooner in the chapters. Example Leah's shipwreck scene in her prologue, Jeff's odd sentence structure in his new piece, ccholtman's car scene in Monsters, Anthony's Dead town in his new piece.

If you find that this is a good starting point for you in your novel for chapter 1 maybe you should think about a prologue. Like when Gust comes to earth... does he crash, or the initial interaction with The Antons. That would be so worth a good read as it would start on such an interesting note.

The reviewer on Urbis was right in the fact that if I read the entire first two chapters I would have the hook. Unfortunatly I don't think it is there say in the first page or to.

Hope this was insightful,

Gabe

Dear Loekie,

Thanks for your review of Scenes 8 & 9. You've given me much to think about.

I will admit I read everything I write out loud. A very good practice I found long ago.

In the early scenes I have purposely tried to dribble out my world. But I see that my instincts might have been right in the first place. I have always known world-building takes space and exposition. But here I have erred toward the opposing need to keep the story rolling. I need to find ground closer to the middle.

I see the need to move up much of what is revealed later about the world. For instance, if I'd mentioned earlier the USA has 15 million boots on overseas territory, one might understand how those who used to pass for security guards at Safeway might now be holding real cop and ranger jobs. If I mentioned Faux Party Line News was now the only news...but, whoops, never mind.

I understand the need for humor, which you might guess I am still trying to learn. On the other hand, police brutality, unwarranted imprisonment, aren't so much funny as disasterous (we can see this today; though I believe you live in Canada, where such things remain rare).

To my mind, your most important expression is about Ulf's having done a less than stellar job of educating Gust. I think you have a point, and I will need to think hard about this. I will tell you I don't think I have made at all clear enough early on what a Titan is to begin with. Gust was born selfish, greedy, opinionated, and a warrior willing to do anything to further the schemes of the Grand Wizard of Titanus. When Ulf took him out from his prison Gust still hoped the Wizard's grand plans would succeed, even though they would probably have ended Gust's life. Thus Ulf was starting with something we might liken nowadays to a true jihadi. 12 years might not seem like such a long time to teach such a one English and then reeducate him. I know right from Chapter 1 I am going to have to make this clear in Draft 3.

On the other hand, isolated as they were, they did not have occasion to come in contact with cops or any other people for 12 years, so perhaps Ulf just did not pay as much attention to Gust's viewing choices (so many parents don't). And you are right, there are bound to be Canadian channels he could have accessed. I never thought of that. They would be jammed in the USA, but not at the farm.

I think Zane's puffing was a sign of hypocracy, which Gust loathes. Too, as expressed in the piece, Gust felt responsible for the consequences John will suffer now that he has come under scrutiny of the authorities. While he has been given to believe cops are generally good, he sees these two are violent, and having himself been a prisoner for 68 years, he also thinks the punishments in vogue are draconian.
Not only that, but John had helped him get where he is, and had thought to hug him, and laughed with him, which no other human not named Anton had EVER done.

Gust saw that John saw him as himself during the fight. But Gust thought John was unconscious thereafter, so that in the next scene Gust naturally thought he was taking John in, in his disguise as Wilbur.

All in all, Loekie, you have given an excellent review that gives me something of a roadmap to fixing the first several chapters, so that they will give the reader the knowledge he needs right off.

Bill

Yes, I understood what you were looking for, and I did enjoy all those you mentioned. I especially loved Leah's sinking ships.

I have considered a prologue like you mention, have written several pages toward that end, and by the time I get to draft 3 I may well put it on. I show what occurs aboard the crashing spaceship later (in Scene 20) to good effect. But Ulf brought Gust out of his imprisonment near the end of the first novel, and I could carve out a view of this for a prologue without much problem. So much to think about!

Trouble is the crash was 80 years before the start of this story, and the prison breakout was 12 years before. I fear having to give an agent opening pages that don't open the present story. Prologues are often viewed as info dumps, and gives agents two opening pages to scrutinize, both prologue and first chapter = two chances to blow the opening.

The opening will change here, I am sure, though whether slightly or radically I have yet to determine.

Thanks again for your kind attention.

Bill

Wow CC,

All I can say is, I needed that.

I feel like I got four hits in that ballgame. Now if only I can go on a hitting streak.

Also, I feel like I have a couple scenes I can look at as an example of what I should be trying to do every time out.

Bill

Dear B. Billy,

So glad you liked my bear. Though from reading Secluded Parking I'm not surprised, as it is much like something I would expect to see from you.

It is gratifying that most people like Gust. The book would fail otherwise, so this is a huge victory for me.

I think it is a little of my fixing the problem and a little of your learning my voice. Glad you found sentences easy treading.

As to scenes 4 & 5, your review is right in line with all the rest. I am firmly resolved to changing the form, if not all the content, presented here. I have learned how to show that year without telling reader up front that is what he is seeing. I need to dramatize, so that Celia will get a good start, as she is an important character.

Thanks to you, I think I will keep the hook at the end, however. So glad you are willing to keep reading.

Bill

I am moving this thread up for this week :)

Moving the thread up