The Review Club Forum Discussion for Jeff's The Pres..

This is the place to respond to reviews and for further discussion of Jeff's The Press Grill Run.

Hey Jeff. Review of your piece is up. Feel free to ask questions. Cheers. Rob

Thanks, Rob, always appreciate it. I'll respond very soon.

William,

As always, thanks for your attention. I'm reading down your review as I respond.

Yea, the parenthetical paragraph happened earlier in the day. This is a piece I've revised several times, trying to get out from underneath the huge stylistic corner I painted myself into. That aside is a remnant and I like the thought behind hit, the image of him almost coming to the edge of the stage to directly explain to the audience why the neighbors feel the way they do and why they are wrong in their assumptions. The neighbors are real and the fact you and others are confused by that makes it obvious that section just is not working. That stage aside is a fun thought, though. You think that could read well, if I just make this character obviously speaking to some imagined audience? He really is, anyway - to the Greek chorus that's driving him crazy in the first place. A fun idea, maybe.

He's standing outside the Press Grill, looking in, when he sees the other women. I think in my rush to edit for this week I might have cut some lines that makes that clearer. I do admit to suddenly going from absolutely all the time in the world to a lot less, and my natural lazy tendencies have made me not nearly as productive for this group or my own writing, but I will overcome. Yea, William, he's standing outside, doing the Press Grill run, hoping for some sign of her and also hoping to make this pathetic want okay in his mind.

The time frames of stuff do need work. I think I have the date between them on Friday and this is Sunday, with him trying to get her attention.

A piece that needs a lot of fixing and you offer some grand insight. I think there's a good thought in here.

How to make the aside work? I think clear paragraph breaks and tense are the answer. Tell me what you think of this:

Now I'm on my second ringing when her neighbors come home, burdened with grocery bags and forcing smiles. �Think she�s still out. A busy girl, you know,� they say. �Still� because they�d seen me earlier, when I�d left a note: �Hi! Seen my phone? Come join me at our place.�

And hoping she got my drift I walked to the Press Grill for a beer and a burger. Calm and cool. If she showed I'd buy her lunch. I ordered another beer, so as to be socially lubricated when she arrived. I have a third, because she should show up any second. And we�d laugh at the awkwardness and I�d play the songs she likes and we�d shoot each other coy little smiles.

I refuse a fourth from the bartender and walk home alone. To my apartment. The sound of a door shutting is a hollow one. I sat. Waited for a thought that wasn�t about her. Bide time, yes.

I should let...


The reason I thought he was peering in her window: Actually, I see why he is not back at her house as I read it again. She is on Neal, but he has made only two lefts. I didn't count these before writing my review. I was under the impression he had completed an entire circuit that constituted a complete run. Actually I now get the idea that, if he were standing in front of his place, he would see her place forward, but could look over his shoulder and see where the Press Grill is down the block. What he has actually completed is 75% of a circuit. The easiest way to make it more clear would be: I peer in the window of my favorite dive (some such short description), nonchalantly.... But if I'm the only one confused by this, likely no change is necessary.

Hey bud,

I think that reads much better, much cleaner. The paranthetical aside is out and I'm stealing - with some Jeffrey revisions - your section. I can talk to you all day, ya' big blabbermouth, but I gotta chat up the other nice folk that gave me reviews.

yours,
jeff

Hiya Julie,

As always, I look forward to your review. You seem to be always forced to read me?

I love hearing women's different reactions to this piece. It isn't quite my favorite (as it calls up too many hitting-too-close-to-home moments and because it accidentally is very similar to the Running Mantra piece I've also posted on this site). But I have a few very close women friends of mine that absolutely love this story, or at least its much more experimental earlier version - they were both pissed when they saw I "mainstreamed" it up for posting, here. BUT, I also have women that this story freaks out, a little. I should try and notice if this has anything to do with their attitudes towards particular men ...

Yea, I need to work on that Ipod section. This story is really caught in the middle of a transition between me and this stage of my writing and my decision - aided by great comments from Wheldon and Chrissie - that I need to write truer to myself and worry less about style. I think you might be seeing those growing pains.

Thanks, Jules, you're the cat's meow.

JEff

Hey Rob,

Thanks for that story. I've actually read it, but it hasn't be presented to me like you did. Funny how Kafka can change like that.

The Beatles section does need work. The transition you speak of does need work. As I told Julie, this is the first story caught in the transition between where I want to take my voice. The growing pains are evident, I think.

Rob, as always, great review. I need to let some of what you say soak in and here we are on Sunday all ready, and I didn't get into a discussion with you. I went from nothing going on BUT this group to everything and this group going on and I'm having a little trouble juggling. Boo hoo hoo, thanks for your time, Rob.

Thanks a lot, Jean, great to hear you liked it. If you don't fall into rhythm with the narrator, I'm screwed, so it's always nice to know someone bounced with it. Looking forward to getting to read some of your stuff and us talking in the future.

Wheldon,

As always, you speak lovely truth. I think in past additions of his story, his obsession with her and the reality of the neighbors is more evident, but in my mainstreaming of this piece, I think I sacrificed some of that flavor for making the movement clearer. This is a piece caught in the middle, and with your wonderful suggestions from earlier (about being truer to myself and just writing), I wonder what it will look like the next time I rewrite it. Thanks for everything, Wheldon.

Jeff

Loekie,

I appreciate your compliments and see your points well. It'd be easy for me to argue where I think conflict is resolved "running through the piece" (heh), but I can also see how I wasn't that clear about it in this edit. My basic thought is "Let It Be" comes on his Ipod and offers a wonderful out. Offers him the ability to let life flow around him, to take it easy and see how yes, he had a great moment in life but that everything he's doing now is ruining that moment. He sees the wisdom in that thought, but still can't get out of the circular thinking and talks himself into one more run past her house, one more small, flickering hope he can get some attention from her right now. I see I left that paintbrush back in a former revision of this piece and I completely understand your point of view (oo, a harsh phrase in our group, I should watch myself).

Quote:


We you believe I chose this poison? hat I love about your writing is that I am never apathic to it. Good or bad.

Thanks,

Julie

I take that as a great compliment and appreciate it. If nothing else, I can be polarizing, eh?

Quote:


We you believe I chose this poison? hat I love about your writing is that I am never apathic to it. Good or bad.

Thanks,

Julie[/quote]

I agree with Julie here. Your protagonists are always engaging.

Thanks, Rob, great to hear. I really need that occasional belly rub, and you guys are so good at it.