The Best Group To Get Reviews********************* : Forum : new to the company have a stor..


new to the company have a story I would like you to take a look at it. It's a mature story.

3 Years Ago


MILCIA

    It is about a general of a cavalry legion in Shal, being sent out to explore the southeast sector. Where soldiers have been sent out to explore before but never returned from there.  
     I am worried about what I will find there. I am afraid of what my father has said about the lady of the plains, which is where we are headed. What he said he saw happen there to me. Before I was born he said  about this happening to me the vision he had.
     The bishop believes his statement. I am concerned because of his saying this to anyone who would listen to him.
CHAPTER 1
      I saw darkness. I felt a heavy and warm object fall upon my shoulder. I reached out to grab the object. It was circular in shape and made of a metal, with a curved edge to it on both sides. I recognized the shape as an iron bracer.
      My eyes sprang open. I saw a wall of stone rising beside me. Where was I? . Rolling over to see the face of Tedious, an old friend and a lord.I expected to find restraints upon my body, but found none, a blanket covered my body to keep the chill off me.
     He was wearing his breastplate, he was a soldier as was I. He worked within the castle’s very walls. I was a cavalryman, I needed my steed to carry me to where I was supposed to go,
      I saw the beams of the roof that kept the weather from us, Hearing thunder roar and scream outside, listening to the water as it fell upon the shilinges of the roof. I look about seeing other soldiers laying there, sleeping.I smiled easily as it slipped across my face to my friends face. I felt fear, if he was here. The bishop wants to see me.
     He responded in the same fashion, saying, “Morrow. The bishop wishes to see you. This morning!”.
       As I look into his eyes, see that they are wide with terror. I hardened my resolve and I said,”Why?"
     “It is due to your father’s statements about your prowess. His dream upon your birth!” the lord said, spittle rose from his maw. His skin looked pale. He was my friend. His long hair concealed his face like a cowl. It was grey with a hint of black in it. His eyes darted about the room as though he was afraid of anyone hearing him speaking to me. His eyebrow hung over his jade eyes and his long broken eyes were visible through his hair. 
     “That accurs'd dream! Why does it plague me?So,” I said as I looked into his face, the lines of worry were upon his face. My face grew red with the anger I was feeling.
     “Because your father said it,” he said as he reached out to stop me from doing anything to anger the bishop. He had my right arm in his hand, holding me there. I struggled to be free from his grasp. Found I could not do this. I stopped struggling.
     “Was or is he a prophet?” I said closing my fists to battle this prophecy. I haul my body from this bed.
     “You and I do not believe him so. Do we? Why would the Bishop believe him?”
     “Why does the bishop? Believe him so.”               
     “Because there is no one else who has said these things, but your father. It is prophetized, by the seer, before hand. No one but those of the church knew this."
    “Shouldn’t he have been tried for witchcraft! He claims he saw the woman of the plain. Is that not the reason though!” I said.
     “Careful in what you say, You too could be burned at the stake for saying things such as this. Daring to say that your father is a witch can have that arranged for you to become what you say he should be. So, so should you,” Tedious said.
    Rising from the bed to walk to a table having fruits and drinks upon it. This is our food. The scents make my mouth water in anticipation to eat some of it. I smile and lift a peach from off of the table, bite into it. Its juice runs down the corner of my mouth and drips off my chin to splash on my chest.. It tastes so good.I smile as greedily dig into the food there.      
    “Milcia. Come the bishop wants to talk to you. After you have gotten your legion to be united and made ready to ride.” the lord said his eyes tear ducts were filled with tears, as he looked into my eyes a lock of black hair fell into them. I brushed it out of my eyes.             Tedious has grasped my wrist to propel me to the doorway.I try to have him dislodge from my wrist, but find I can not. I reach out to take his hand from my wrist. I grit my teeth. I follow his lead into the hallway.
     “You say, the bishop wants to see me. Do you have any idea as to why?” I said,
     “I think, he wants to have you go into the plain and explore the region that is there,” The lord said, He put his hand on my shoulder as he looked into my eyes . His eyes move in the direction of the plain of grass, that we both knew was in that general direction. 
      My skin grew pale, Slowly beads of sweat appeared on my brow. My mouth grew dry.I shook his hand off my shoulder, I was fearful of what this being asked of me to do, I shivered, I had seen what the plane had done to other soldiers. None of them returned. I did not wish to vanish. I wanted to be alive, to have children, and be loved by the people here,
      “I do not wish to die. I want to stay alive.”I know of why he wanted to send me there. It was due to the dream that my father had upon my birth he said, he saw the lady of the plain speaking with me. The woman of the plain. The plain. All I knew was that we feared being from the plain as we did death. How could he have been sure she was from the plain. He did not say.
    She was saying, “That you must fulfill your duty to the goddess. You need to go to the plane. You will be alive afterwards.You will return to the kingdom with the gifts from the castle of darkness.”My father said this to all who would listen to his words as they fell from his maw. He continued on in describing me meeting the lady of the plain. You stood there, as he looked at me addressing me, 
    he spoke to me her words, " “You will do as I bid. I tell you. You must go to the castle that is there. You will find what I seek of you to find, The. Do not fear the plain, I will be with you there. Trust in me! And my words.”You did not lift a hand to my sword. I did not draw my sword. I was transfixed by what she was saying to me.
      I said,”Yes, I will listen and learn about the task before me. I will take you in as my guide. I agree.”
     She laughed, walking into the plain of grass. The grass blades reached out to conceal her from view. She walked away from me looking over her shoulder at me, and said, “We will see. Won’t we?” 
      You tried to walk towards her. I found I could not lift my legs. They felt as if they were bolted to the ground. I should not see anything that held them. Yet I saw vines encircle my feet and legs. They weren’t there, before. I would have seen them. There were vines here, now. How could they be there?
       You did not know how it could be there. I reached for my sword’s pommel. I closed my hand about the pommel . It felt reassuring to be there. I lifted the sword from where it had been resting.The sword had lifted. The sword could cut through the vines, I knew it could do this. I was safe.
   I grinned. The vines looked to be an inch thick. My sword would cleave through it. This was a certainty. I swung my sword. The sword hit the vines; the vines separated from my legs. As soon as my sword leaped from where it rested.
    The vine grew into two vines and doubled in size.I checked what I had seen. The vine had grown back. My sword could do nothing either. 
    I was afraid the woman could walk away. I looked at the grass who's blades crushed and broken but were not by her body as she walked through them. It was as if she was a ghost.I knew she was not, I had seen her. Spoke to her.
     I continued to hack away the vines as they appeared there. There was nothing I could do against them. Nothing. Tears flowed and spilled from my eyes. Unable to move. I screamed, but no words emerged or sounded from my mouth.I found it was futile to do this.
    My arm sang a song of pain. Each time I lifted the sword, it was as if it had gained more weight to it. 
     A white fluid emerged from the vines to cover the sword’s edge. It was thick. I could barely lift the sword. Smoke poured from the fluid, the smoke climbed into the air.As soon as she vanished. I saw her vanish. The vines also vanished from where they held me. 
     I ran towards where she had gone.“How am I supposed to do this?” I said, I was trembling." This was my fathers story about me and the lady of the plain.

    Others knew this story as well. Some of them took it seriously. Others did not.Father then would stop speaking, he looked at me.
    I felt he had to be mistaken; I was a cavalry officer, that was all I was. There was no way the lady of the plane would want me to do anything for her or on her behalf. I was nothing.

     The night before, this day, I dreamt about the lady; It made little sense to me. The lady walked towards me. She wore a cloak and its cowl hid her face. In her hands she held a staff. I saw her hands coverred in brown as if they had dried blood upon them and what appeared out of the sleeve was also this color and her long black nails.
     She stopped before me, standing twelve feet away from me, 
     I was about to mount my horse as she arrived. Walking towards me. She said, “Milcia, I have chosen you to aid me.”
     I arrived on the saddle turned to face the woman speaking,” I do not know who you are?”
    “I am the lady, You must obey me!” she said as she grabbed my reins, to look into my face.Her cowl faced me,
     “ I am not answerable to you, nor am I answerable to the Bishop.” I said. Spurring my horse to ride. 
    It stood there as if was made of a statue. I kicked it again.
    The hooded figure released the reins. Said, ”You must obey my words.”
    I said, “No.”
     I had the mark of the witch upon my left hand, it looked like a hand covering the back of my hand, the creases where the hand would have been were visible, Two fingers covered the back of my hand The three others covered my finger and thumb. It was red as blood.
    
     They suspected I was blessed. I felt it was more like cursing. I did not believe a word my father had said. He tried to gain wealth and station by telling his tales. When I was born, he used me to gain what he sought. I resented him and his folly.
    
    I was angry.“I do not know, but the Bishop has taken a liking to the tales he is telling. I had never seen the lady of the plain. anywhere in my dreams or wanderings.
     I knew better than to go into the plains. .

The story does it hold your interest? Where does it lag? What do I have to work on to make it better?