Story Craft Forum Analysis: Sister Lizzy

Concept:
Social commentary on structured society controlled by the oligarchs. Those who do not comply are removed from society. A statement of hope is at the end. Life is more than just a structured society.

Character:
Lizzy, a young woman, recently assigned as a teacher. She is emotional and mentally turbulent.
Sister Mary, a matriarch and overseer. Seems to have a special interest in Lizzy.
Brother Thomas, the dominant, in control patriarch
Brother Jerry, the intelligent, out spoken young man ostracized from the society

Flow:
Opening sets the tempo. Defiance. Transitions from defiance to prison of our making to escape.
From the opening the story flows into the mental arguments conducted by Sister Lizzy.
From mental arguments to the tension at the school to the meeting with Sister Mary to the breakdown to the trial to the meeting with Jerry; it keeps a good pace and keeps the interest.

Review:
�Sister Lizzy� speaks to being trapped and not really knowing. There is a �thing� that floats around in the back of the awareness that questions the order of things. Is this right? Is this really right, this thing I have always known? It speaks to an age-old question. Is this all there is? Archetypes are there: the questioning youth, the dominant matriarch, the dominant patriarch, the unattainable father, the desirable hero who is a cast out.

The flow of the story goes quickly from questioning to conclusion without addressing, only implying, and the reasons why all of this takes place so quickly. What was not said? It gives the reader a sense of loss, a sense of confusion which lends itself to the emotions of Sister Lizzy.

The ending speaks to being forced out of a system because you disagree with that system. However, liberty is discovered, the world is larger and more open, when you are loosed from the structured, controlling society. Interesting. I did not get this at first.

Analysis:
Para 2:
Line 5: The use of the double verb �defy;� although not good English, it does work as a stresser for the relationships of defiance.
Line 5~7 is a run-on sentence, but it kind of works helping to create a sense of pressure, tension.

Para 3:
Line 2 � �call� to �called�
Line 4 � �No one thought it should be different, except Lizzy.�
Line 10 � �here� to �her�

Para 4/5 � Nice transition from 3 to 5

Para 5:
Line 2 � �say� to �said�
Line 11 � �here� to �her�

Para 9:
Line 5 � �And, she�� to �She��

Para 11:
Line 3 � �And the, she�� to �And then, she��

Para 13:
Line 2 � �They kept asking her questions that she had no answer.� To �They kept asking her questions for which she had no answer.�

Para 14:
Line 1~2 � �Sleep had relieved her of none of her problems of yesterday.� Too many �of� usage. Re-work to �Sleep had relieved her of none of her problems from yesterday.�
Line 3~4 � �She decided that she would have to try and bury the thoughts as best as she could for now and get on with the day ahead.� Too unwieldy. Re-work to �She decided that she would have to bury the thoughts of yesterday. She would have to try as best as she could for now and get on with the day ahead.�

Para 28:
Line 11 � �� before she dropped to her haunches and just stared.� Needs to be re-worked to �� before she dropped to her knees then just sat and stared.�

Okay. The last example project has been posted to the forum. I will leave these projects up and myself as the featured writer for the rest of the week.

Please review and make comment to the postings regarding the examples analyses. I really do not want this group to be about me but our discoveries in story crafting. So far, this group has gleaned from the little bit I learned about writing and what Michael Lawson has given as input. I look forward to your insights and input so that you grow through thinking through your work. And, we grow from the shared insight and experience each member brings to the group.

Thank you for your time and tolerance.

Doc.