Story Craft Forum Analysis: Better Be Good

Analysis � Better Be Good
For Story Craft Group on Writers� Caf�

This is a bit longer project. So the effort should be anticipated to be more. Do not let that dishearten you. Go after it anyway. Your writing improves with effort and experience.
Press on!

Note:
After this analysis and the analysis of Sister Lizzy as examples, I will turn the tables on those in the group to submit your analyses and have the other members provide feedback.

Then, I am going back to primarily work on my novel and poetry. Well, and reviews�

Concept
Character
Flow
Review
Analysis

Concept:
Horror genre
Those that are evil are consumed by that evil personified in the form of the dark stranger.

Character:
Innocent bystander Bill
Mr. Marcus, the self-centered bully of whom it is alluded that he takes from everyone and does not give back.
The dark stranger, an unknown commodity that becomes more than first seems; a consumer of evil men.

Flow:
Lead in that sets the stage for a fable. It establishes that some of the things thought not to be true, thought to be unreasonable just might prove themselves to be true after all.

Opens with a confession. Doubt is exercised immediately in the response of the second person.

Para 6: the transition from Mr. Marcus to stopping to not being kind to the hitchhiker was too fast.
Line 5 is poorly structured. It is non-descriptive. Weakens the flow.

Para 16: the first sentence is weak, compounded. Need to separate the thoughts into two sentences.

The rest seems to flow well to the end. This could certainly be longer, more drawn out. But, as a short it works.
Analysis:
Para 6: Between the description of Mr. Marcus and picking up the hitchhiker, it seems there should be an additional statement about Mr. Marcus that leads to a transition to the hitchhiker.
The description of the hitchhiker creates a new thought; therefore, it should be its own paragraph. It is a transitional paragraph to help create further tension.
Line 5 should be something more like, �As far as the hitchhiker being dressed that way, it was not uncommon for that time of year.�

Para 16: The second sentence needs to be restructured. �At times I felt as though he wouldn�t breathe for minutes. It was intolerably long between breaths.�

Para 25: Second sentence should be, �Strangely, I was lying in a bed.�

Para 27:
Line 2 �replay� to �reply�
Line 4 �it� then �he� describing the same person. Use either �he� or �it� for both pronouns; lose �living�

Overall, very few changes are recommended. I still say this could be drawn out into a longer story, but as a snap shot event of a short story, it works.

Doc.