Read And Review : Forum : Feedback Please?


Feedback Please?

14 Years Ago


I made a poem once and had a lot of fun. Might I have some feedback though?

There once was a girl named Alice,
Whose thoughts held no malice
She a followed a rabbit with an odd disposition,
She perked up with curious ambition
Then he disappeared from her sights
As Alice ran with all her might
Unaware of a hole in the ground,
She fell, arms flailing around and around

Then another with a red hood,
Who tried to listen as well as she could
Went to help her dear old granny
Unaware of dangers uncanny
Along came a wolf with a clever smile
Asking her to stay for awhile
He followed the girl to her granny's humble abode
And gobbled them up, in a hungry mode

Finally there was Gretal, timid and shy
And her brother Hansel, who would never cry
Horrible people abandoned the two,
But they didn't know who
They found a candy of sweets,
And ate many good little treats
Along came the Witch, who was nice and benign,
Until she fattened them up, eager to dine.

And so my friends, the story ends,
Not happily, but certainly.

Re: Feedback Please?

13 Years Ago


haha excellent! I liked the way you blended in all the popular fairy tales.
[send message][befriend] Subscribe
KBR

Re: Feedback Please?

12 Years Ago


I think it's a little choppy. It's a great idea, but the rhyme scheme is inconsistent. I'm ok with that, but it just moves to fast between a rigid poem and a nice prose poem.