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LC

Feed back?

8 Years Ago


I'm working on a novel-type of story right now, and just posted part of it. I'd love any feed back I can get on it! I'd greatly appreciate it

Re: Feed back?

8 Years Ago


Hi, LC. I'm posting this here because it is not a full-fledged review. I'm new here, so let me know if I'm doing this wrong. :) 

The important thing about first drafts is to keep going. Get the story down, then revise. So don't get hung up by my comments. That being said, your biggest issue here is "telling" instead of "showing." I'm sure you've heard this common phrase. What it means is readers would rather experience your story through the actions and words and thoughts of your characters rather than to have you simply "tell" them everything that is happening or has happened. Here is your first paragraph. I've underlined the "telling":

I held my breath with anticipation. I didn’t know if what I was about to do would work. Whatever I did next would make or break me. Determine where I go and what I do next. I gingerly placed my cherished locket into the centerpiece of the book in my lap. I was hesitant and unsure if it was such a good idea to do it. I didn’t know what would happen, but I did know this was something I had to do. My hesitation didn’t matter. The locket was pulled to the book and automatically attached itself.

"With anticipation" is telling, but "showing" us that you were holding your breath communicates this already. "Telling" is often simply unnecessary. Think of "telling" as requiring a spoiler alert: "Whatever I did next would make or break me." Readers would rather see you being made or being broken in real time. There's no need to announce this. "Cherished" locket is "telling." Try to "show" why it is cherished. With these points in mind, here is one version of an edit:

I held my breath, dangling my mother's locket over the cover centerpiece of the book in my lap. Would it work? Mother had died trying to save the locket from our burning house when I was five years old. As I hesitated, the locket moved toward the book and attached itself.

Everything I've left out is either unnecessary or would be better expressed with more "showing": why she knew it had to be done, whether it turns out to be a good idea, what happens next. (I've also picked one way the locket attached. You described two.)

I recommend staying away from flashback so early in the story. The past is the past and cannot be changed. It is therefore less interesting to readers. They want to know what happens next. By the way, try to limit length and frequency of flashbacks. If you use a flashback, get in and get out quickly.

I hope some of this is helpful. Good luck as you continue writing!