Novels & Short Stories : Forum : Hi says the newbie


Hi says the newbie

10 Years Ago


Hi everyone!
 I'm so glad I found a group of people willing to honestly critique work. I wont waste your time with wasted words.
 I have just published on my account a short story that I am hoping to enter into a competition but before I submit it I want some people to look it over and give me honest feedback about it. Its only 500 words (as that was a competition requirement) and therefore should take too long to read. I would really appreciate any review or criticism about it. 

If you have the time please have a read and let me know what you think. 
Story link:

Thank you, Upwnedmyheart

Re: Hi says the newbie

10 Years Ago


I liked it a lot. However, (in my opinion, feel free to reject)....... 1) "He wants to tell her how much she loves her." This sentence just feels wrong for some reason. I just got turned off from reading this because it felt so cheesy for some reason. Also, I thought the letter was for a love interest, not his daughter. You should keep it a little more ambiguous, such as "He didn't know how to express his love," without saying its for "her." 2) "He is sitting, hunched and sweating," Describe that in a different tense, I dunno. Just saying, "he is sitting," just sounds really weird. 3) "He looks down at the paper, shrugs" When a person shrugs, it usually means indifference or not caring. However, the man cares about her a lot. So why would he shrug when he is writing an important letter to her? That word would best be removed. 4) "Finally reveals the horrible reality." Way to spoil it. Nah, not really lol. What I mean by that is that you were building up the story so well, and were employing the "show, don't tell" tactic. However, when you said it was a horrifying reality, the third person omniscient POV that you took somehow ruined the slight suspense I was in. If you changed it slightly, usuch as, "It revealed the sight," then I would have to get a confirmation of something horrible happening by finishing the story I hope what I said made sense!