Here There Be Monsters Forum Does your story need a review?

If anyone wants a review of a STORY send me a message, I'm not as strong in the poem department.

I tend to take a critical look at things like an editor would, so it won't be the kind of review that just gushes over how good or bad it is, although if it's really good I'll be sure to mention it :)

Sure, I'm working on a suspense novel called Lifestyles of the Sick and Gangrenous about a gameshow where the contestants have to live as homeless people while they track a series of geocaches around the city. As the crew films the cast, someone is secretly filming them for some other purpose.

I see this post is a few months old, but if the offer is still up I could really use some reviews. I can already tell this particular excerpt isn't sitting right, I just cannot figure out why. Any help would be greatly appreciated.