100 % Review Forum Legitimate Criticism

When I was six years old, I was told that I had the best written story among my fellow 1st grade peers. I didn't care in the slightest. Writing's always been something that's come "naturally" to me, but I've never considered myself any good. Now, as a high school senior, I look at the vast collection of short stories, novel ideas, and posts I've made over the years, and wonder if I actually have some legitimate skill. My friends and teachers say I have potential to be a very good writer, but I want more than that. So tell me what you think of the only story I have posted on my profile. Be as critical and anal as you can, I like that sort of review. 

since I've added s**t, just criticize whatever.