THE MAD TAXI

A Lesson by Bernard Tisman

taxicab on the rampage

One day the taxi driver Fred Belly drove his taxi along Bucket Road, Gants Hill to pick up Ben Suitcase, a member of Fruitbowl Day Centre, and take him home.
As the taxi left the driver went weird and drove it on the pavement and stopped at a tree to pick up a bird on top to take him to Slop Bucket Lodge. The taxi drove up the tree, picked up the bird and :

"Whoosh! it jumped down onto the pavement, flew down the road and bashed into other cars.
A fight broke out and a couple of cars got bashed to bits, with everything ending up fighting each other in mid - air.

Pc Carwash came along to see what it was all about and arrested the taxicab that had started the fight and the driver too. They were taken to the police station on the police railway that ran from Ilford to Gants Hill and locked in a cell.

All of a sudden the taxi went mad and kicked a policeman up to the ceiling. it then got hold of him and tried to flush him down the loo but was stopped by a police leopard, the sort of big cat that police use to arrest criminals.
The police leopard bit the taxi, resulting in it having to be sent to King Pancake Hospital to have an operation, but, just as the surgeon tried to cut open the injured taxi it attacked him and pulled his head off. The head then flew out of the theatre and spat at people making their way to the ward. Indeed, the head - minus it's owner, the surgeon - flew into a ward and jumped up onto one of the patients' beds and butted him in the head, so hard that his head flew off. The result was that, two heads ended up fighting each other, right above the patient's bed.
Along came Dr Yug who immediately saw to the patient without his head, but was shocked to see two human heads fighting each other. he tried to stop the fight, but ended up being kicked up to the ceiling by one of the heads, ending up on a striplight.
The light was so hot that it ended up frying the doctor. this gave the two heads a chance to help themselves to a tasty meal, so they bit chunks out of the fried doctor's body and devoured him. This alerted two of the nurses who immediately had to phone the police in order to get rid of mad human heads that had eaten one of the doctors after he ended up getting fried when he landed on a striplight on the ceiling.
The police came, and armed with machine guns blasted the two heads to bits, but as they did the heat from the guns became so hot that they melted to liquid jelly that stunk, in fact so much that patients had to hide under their bedclothes as the smell from the melted policemen was so foul.
To remedy this two of the staff came along with air freshener and made the ward fresh again.
The melted policemen got incinerated to prevent the spread of deadly germs.

The patient whose head was knocked off by another human head had to be sent into a side ward as his appearance was too shocking for other patients to see. he did eventually grow a new head, but this took 200 years.

The taxi that attacked the surgeon and pulled his head off got sent to prison for murder and that prison was Snakewood Scrubs in Shepherd's Pie Bush.
One day the taxi escaped from prison and on it's mad rampage murdered a couple of lamp posts before being cornered by police and sent back to jail. But on the return the taxi went berserk and attacked a prison warder. The resulting shock caused by the attack led to the prison warder having to hide inside a toilet bowl to try to escape the mad taxi, but just the same the taxi found him and beat him up so badly that he grew trees on his head and turned into a monster, half - human, half - vegetable.

The freak made his way back when one of the prisoners notice him and shouted:
"Hey fellas, look who's here,

"A ghastly monster, we don't want him, we could get nightmares, so,

'Let's break him up and put him on the bonfire."

"He ain't human, he's a monster from Outer Space - a Humegetable (half - human, half vegetable."

Just as the inmates tried to burn the freak he attacked them and gobbled them up.
On seeing what happened a couple of prison warders came along and armed with brooms tried to fend off the half - human, half - vegetable monster, but,
in trying to do so ended up being devoured.

In the end the army had to be called in to deal with the monster. They then took it to the zoo and locked it up in cage reserved for freaks such as this, a half - human, half vegetable creature.
The cage had to have steel bars put on it in in order to stop the freaky monster from escaping, but they were no match for the monster, who then pulled them apart and escaped. The army came along and threw bombs at the monster, blowing him up.

The reign of terror was over. Now the plan was to destroy the mad taxicab that had started all this.

It got put down.