Aesthetic Louse

Hi, I'm Esra or an aesthetic louse. Aesthetic louse is a phrase I picked up from the novel Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. The major character calls himself an Aesthetic Louse. I think not only he is but we all are louse... just in a relatively more aesthetic way. So, don't worry, you're all aesthetic louse too!

. . . I was only capable of killing. And it seems I wasn't even capable of that . . . Principle? Why was that fool Razumihin abusing the socialists? They are industrious, commercial people; 'the happiness of all' is their case. No, life is only given to me once and I shall never have it again; I don't want to wait for 'the happiness of all.' I want to live myself, or else better not live at all. I simply couldn't pass by my mother starving, keeping my rouble in my pocket while I waited for the 'happiness of all.' I am putting my little brick into the happiness of all and so my heart is at peace. Ha-ha! Why have you let me slip? I only live once, I too want. . . . Ech, I am an AESTHETIC LOUSE and nothing more," he added suddenly, laughing like a madman. "Yes, I am certainly a LOUSE," he went on, clutching at the idea, gloating over it and playing with it with vindictive pleasure. "In the first place, because I can reason that I am one, and secondly, because for a month past I have been troubling benevolent Providence, calling it to witness that not for my own fleshly lusts did I undertake it, but with a grand and noble object-- ha-ha! Thirdly, because I aimed at carrying it out as justly as possible, weighing, measuring and calculating. Of all the lice I picked out the most useless one and proposed to take from her only as much as I needed for the first step, no more nor less (so the rest would have gone to a monastery, according to her will, ha-ha!). And what shows that I am utterly a LOUSE," he added, grinding his teeth, "is that I am perhaps viler and more loathsome than the louse I killed, and /I felt beforehand/ that I should tell myself so /after/ killing her. Can anything be compared with the horror of that? The vulgarity! The abjectness! I understand the 'prophet' with his sabre, on his steed: Allah commands and 'trembling' creation must obey! The 'prophet' is right, he is right when he sets a battery across the street and blows up the innocent and the guilty without deigning to explain! It's for you to obey, trembling creation, and not /to have desires/, for that's not for you! . . . I shall never, never forgive the old woman!" (Part III: Chapter VI)