WaterColorPanda

I was born, so I’ve heard, on the 17th of October in 1986. I was a bit chubby but otherwise not all that unusual. I believe I cried quite a lot at the expectations everyone was suddenly making of me, putting me in full charge of my own breath with a slap to my a*s and expecting me from this day forward, with no preamble, to live on dry land with the force of gravity always pushing me down.

I dreaded the prospect of someday being forced to stand on my own, walk, not to mention the idea that I might need to support myself, get a job, have a family, change the world. It was too much for me to handle that day and I’m not at all ashamed that I wept openly in front of everyone. But for my part it is good to be reminded that it was a choice I made. I started the process of climbing towards light that day, I accepted the pain I would face and the pain I would cause my mother knowing that at the end of it there was a life to live; different from the one I’d always known. I cried at the weight of my own skin and the heft of my destiny still entirely unrealized. Then I slept

From that point on came milestones that would pile up behind me like slag from a gold mine. And each new record would be beaten in turn with something far more tremendous. Walking became running became jumping, convincing me that the next step would surly be flying. My development slowed too soon though, never allowing me to reach the stars. that disappointment didn’t last long however before I realized I could find my way with stories that could send me soaring higher than any bird before me. Handicapped as I was without wings I was forced to find adventure in unconventional ways.

I grew old and by old I mean young and suddenly believed I could do anything, a belief that life has not yet beaten from me even though I suspect it has not given up quite yet. I felt heart break, felt compassion, felt forgiveness and felt the untarnished perception of myself falter then shatter when I realized I was capable of hurting others as much as they’d hurt me. I felt love and though I thought I’d lost it forever found it had only been misplaced for a short time until I could find use for love again.

I’ve come to the edge of many cliffs in my past and with each leap of faith found them to be nothing but sidewalk curbs that I was looking at too closely. Now I find myself once again at the edge of an abyss and wonder if, when I finally get the courage to jump, this moment will change everything.