Kayla K

I'm a cyclone of myself, a caterpillar delight still finding my wings. A balloon stuck up in the clouds, no one can bring me down from my high. Shattered into pieces, be careful when you pick them up. The edges are sharp, and sometimes they cut deep. I chase shadows and wish on shooting stars, drop my coins into the wishing well, and make wishes on dandelions. Plucking the petals of my 'does he love me flower?', I'm too scared to see the answers, yet I can't stop searching for the questions.

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"So many people along the way, whatever it is you aspire to do, will tell you it can't be done. But all it takes is imagination. You dream. You plan. You reach. There will be obstacles. There will be doubters. There will be mistakes. But with hard work, with belief, with confidence and trust in yourself and those around you, there are no limits." ~ Michael Phelps


My name is Kayla and I've walked this chaotic world for 14 years. I was born in February, deep within the winter. I'm a writer and a dreamer, skier and a swimmer. I understand that I'm younger than a lot of people on this site, but please don't underestimate me because of that. I know I'm "just a kid" and I "don't know what pain is", etc,. Trust me when I say I understand that life isn't all happiness. Maroon 5 once said it's not always rainbows and butterflies, and that's a statement I believe in.






When it comes to friendship, I've had difficulty with that too. I've been stabbed in the back too many times to count. If you do gain my trust (and you'll have to work for it), don't take it for granted. I have issues when it comes to believing people, so don't be upset if I don't trust you right away. Trust has to be gained. When it comes to hatred, hate me if you want. As far as I'm concerned, I've never purposefully hurt someone. Personally, there are people I dislike, we're human, it's gonna happen. You can't like everyone. If you don't like me though, don't pretend. Don't act is if you love me and care about me if you actually talk about me behind my back, because to me, that's just lies. When there's people I don't like, I'm not a jerk to them but I also don't act like their best friend, so I expect the same from others. Hate me all you want, but you can't pull me down. If you're gonna be my friend, actually, if you're gonna be in my life no matter what, don't lie to me. Give me the truth. I want the truth.





I am a survivor of many things, as are you, whoever is reading this. Think of all the things you have ever overcome, and you're still here. This makes you a survivor. And as a survivor, our job is to help others become one too. Ever need to talk to someone about a problem? Come to me. I swear won't judge.



When I'm going through tough times, when even poetry can't help, there's one thing to always turn to. Music. To some, it might just be noises and words, but to me, songs are everything. They're the strongest love out there. Bringing others together, songs sing when nobody else will try to. Headphones are my drug of choice.



Quick side note. I have mommy (and daddy) troubles. All together, family problems I guess. They crush my dreams, a lot. I know that supposedly it's because they care, but it still hurts. Just a side note, to warn you.



My message to all of you out there is to love yourself. Love isn't just a word, it's much more powerful than that, and it's something that cannot be described. To experience love, you first have to love yourself. You're beautiful, in every single way. I may not have ever met you, but I already know you're beautiful. You were created to be who you are, and there's no mistakes when it comes to that. There might be conceited judgmental haters who think they know everything, but you are most certainly not a mistake. Do you think your scars make you any less beautiful? None of your scars would ever make me love you next. Your scars show where you've been and what you've gone through. If anything, scars are the best part about you. Like battle wounds, scars are something you should wear proudly.



I'm a dreamer, even if I am still trapped at times. In a small town, sometimes things get old, and there's that urge to disappear, run away and find a new place. Yet when you try to leave, something holds you there. Though dreams might try to take us far, remember where you come from, because that's the place you became yourself, and that's where the dreams all started. Wish and hope. There's no shame in wishing on a shooting star.



Quotes to take into consideration:

"Depression, make me famous." ~ Courtney Moise

"For what it's worth: it's never too late, or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." ~Benjamin Button

"I asked her if she was unhappy; she says it is not a question of happiness. She says she remembers another thing about when she was young - she remembers when the world was full of wonder - when life was a strand of magic moments strung together, a succession of mysteries revealed, leaving her feeling as if she was in a trance. She remembers back when all it took to make her feel like she was part of the stars was to simply talk about things like death and life and the universe. She doesn't know how to reclaim that sense of magic anymore." ~ Douglas Coupland

"Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them." ~ Noel Fielding



"I can be myself here. I can tell the truth and never say, "I'm fine." I can talk freely about it. About how even when I wake some mornings and am content, I still feel it tapping silently behind my heart. I know it is there, waiting for something, anything, the tiniest hiccup in my day to claw it's way out and spread like cancer through the dark bits inside of me. It spreads from behind my heart, to my lungs (it's almost musical), it rushes to my head, and then I am gone, rendered defenseless, helpless. People don't understand it. It's not an over reaction, it's losing a battle in a long dark war. I know, ultimately, I won't win this fight, I am already so tired. I know one day it will take me. My heart will decide it is time to stop pumping it's poison through my veins. That will be the day people know, once and for all, that I wasn't as strong as they had thought. That will be the day that people will know that every time they asked how I was that the best I could do was spin lies, to grant them the freedom to doubt it's existence. That will be the day that it finally decides to bleed me dry, the day it decides I have become too dull, too lifeless to be important enough to resuscitate, the day it will finally free me from the dark and back into the light that I have missed so deeply." ~ Unknown



"Never forget that one day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. You see, the universe has a plan kids, and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps it's wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful." ~ How I Met Your Mother



"Some people believe in god. I believe in music. Some people pray. I turn up the radio." ~ Unknown

"Mental imbalance is about as acceptable as herpes. It's never going to be accepted. But really, it's a disease just like cancer. It just happens, and eats away all the good parts of your brain, like judgment and happiness and perception and memory and life. And it's not as if people choose it. So why is it still a joke of medicine. "She died of cancer" is a lot more socially acceptable to people than "She committed suicide." Why?" ~ Sarahbeth Purcell



"I know more than you think I do, I'm not stupid. I'm sick of being hurt, and being thrown around like I mean nothing. I'm done, I officially give up. There is no one to blame, I gave you plenty of chances and you threw them all back in my face. People can only keep you for so long, and in the end I need to get back to my own life. You'll find someone, well...clearly you already have. I'm in no need of use to you, and well, I'll do quite fine on my own. Have a nice life, and I hope everything goes well, and I mean that. I really do, I'm not bitter anymore. I just have plenty of things in my life I need to figure out, and I don't need more weight on my shoulders then I already have. It was fun while it lasted." ~ Unknown



"She gave up on love at 18 years old, said it was just a lie that the foolish told. And finding herself all alone and cold, she gave up on the world."~Chase Coy, What She's Looking For



"Misery is company cause I know that it's real. I've learned to love the pain cause that's the only way that I know how to feel."~ Boys Like Girls, The Only Way That I Know How To Feel



'We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding."~ Donald Miller



"You emerge from the cocoon as a butterfly bold in color splashes. Heal those broken wings."~Courtney Moise



"Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.
We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."~Jamie Tworkowski

"These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her." ~ Jamie Tworkowski

“Today my heart though maybe it was pretty." ~ Renee Yohe



“I haven’t felt like I had much to say lately, it’s been more music than words. Music seems to say more anyway, it captures a moment, a feeling, a place or person, a memory or period of time… ~ Renee Yohe

“If this is perfection, I’ll cling to my flaws and gracefully announce defeat." ~ Renee Yohe



“I threw the stars across the sky for you and one fell like a tear from my eye as you dropped to the floor, burried in the darkness and the lies." ~ Renee Yohe



“Dark and bitter and cold, so cold. I beat myself, everyday, I bleed to teach you lessons I never learned. The razor screams, He grabs her arms, He’s on his knees trying to show her a softer way. White dresses; white dresses and starlit skies, dancing, twirling from the inside… this is how its meant to be and it feels so good to be clean. Oh! keep your poison, I’ve had enough and they have written love over the pretty pink scars." ~ Renee Yohe



“I am dark and heavy and hostile. Fragile. And. Confused. I need someone to let me rain. Who knows what it is to bleed, to be abused." ~ Renee Yohe



“Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know; maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop." ~ Renee Yohe

“There is a difference between what is SAID and what is IMPLIED. While your words kiss my hand, the unspoken stabs my heart. AND THE TEARS ARE DENIED. These feelings are unjustified." ~ Renee Yohe



“We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love." ~Jamie Tworkowski, TWLOHA



"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." ~ Albus Dumbledore

"Neil Craig: You're kind of lost, aren't ya?
Tyler: You think you know me, but you don't." ~Remember Me

"You once told me, our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we've touched. Is that true for everybody, or is it just poetic bullshit?" ~ Robert Pattinson, Remember Me

"If you could hear me, I would say that our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we've touched." ~ Robert Pattinson, Remember Me

"We'll ring the bells that lead you home, cause the only truth I've ever known is that nothing ever hurts us more than love. So circle up your best of friends and we'll celebrate the way it ends. At least we live tonight." ~Ring The Bells by Satellite.

"We are not the scars. We are found in the beauty of their healing." ~ Renee Yohe

“Failure is an opportunity to get up, it is only when I refuse to learn that I have failed”~ Renee Yohe

“There is pain and suffering and great loss in the world, but we can find strength and hope in the rooms” ~ Renee Yohe



“It’s so easy for me to get overwhelmed with life stuff. Sometimes it feels like all the little pieces pile up and contort and melt and twist and lock with each other in a seemingly hopeless manner.”~Renee Yohe<3



“Once again I was on the floor, broken in a pathetic heap, crying behind the safety of a locked door. I loathe to be a burden for you to bare, to shame and disgrace, to grasp your heart and rip and tear. I loathe this desention in despair, this aching, throbbing, hopelessness, dropping me into hell and leaving me there. So to spare you from all of this, I plaster this smile, this masquerade, not a hint something is missing.” ~ Renee Yohe

"The angels wings are torn, she’s weeping on the shore. All alone, in the dark, grains of sand standy by watching as she cries. There is nothing left of the life she led. Her halo’s been broken by her side and there’s no reason to try. A hole is dug, she crawls inside, ready and willing to die. All alone, in the dark, stars are screaming out of the sky as the angel cries. She softly closes tearful eyes and lets the world slip by. All alone, in the dark, the footprints wash away. She’s all that remains and then someone came along and gave her a new song. He sat with her, in the dark. He said he’d hold her forever and never leave her side, now. There is nothing left, there is nothing left of the life she bled and she’s not alone anymore." ~ Renee Yohe



“People should know that their scars are their story board, thats their platform to speak from, thats their ministry. It doesn’t take a stage, it doesn’t take a teeshirt, and it doesn’t take a book- it’s just life. It’s just being available, being willing to be transparent and vulnerable with the people around you. Thats where your story gets to make a difference- where we get to rescue and be rescued, to love and learn to be loved” ~ Renee Yohe

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely." ~ Erma Bombeck

"Sometimes, the only realists are the dreamers." ~ Paul Wellstone



"What is depression really? Is there one concrete definition, or has the meaning loosened as our generation has continued it's downhill descent? To me, depression is simply my life. I'm not suicidal. I'm not a cutter. I don't hate the world. I don't dress completely in black. I'm just sad. I've been sad for what seems like my entire life, but that's not true. I was happy once and I can vaguely remember what it felt like, but I can't touch it. i can't get that happiness back, I don't know how. That's what depression is to me, knowing what happiness is, but never being able to touch it, feel it." ~ Jenny Leigh



"A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it." ~ Jonathon Davis



"Art saved me; it got me through my depression and self-loathing, back to a place of innocence." ~ Jeanette Winterson

"'I'm a lucky one -- I've been saved. But even after being saved, a person is still not whole. In all honesty, those hit by depression are broken forever. But that shouldn't make us just give up. Instead, we must fight ourselves. Accept that you have to help yourself sometimes. Embrace the disease itself, and I can assure you, the journey will be a lot more enjoyable. I realize that you cannot just sweep it under the rug and forget about it. Instead, use it to your advantage." ~ Me



"You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what to do, but what you 'll never realize is, I'm a damn good actress too." ~Unknown



"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." ~ Victor Frankl



"Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves...for growing up." ~ The Wonder Years (TV show)



Quotes about stars, my inspiration:

"They hang there, the stars, like little notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz."~ Donald Miller



"We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~ Oscar Wilde

"Just promise me you'll think of me every time you look up in the sky & and see a star." Eminem

"The stars are always there, but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."~Renee Yohe

"There they stand, the innumerable stars, shining in order like a living hymn, written in the light." ~ N.P. Willis

"Metaphor for the night sky: A trillion asterisks and no explanations."~ Robert Brault



"The stars are the street lights of eternity." ~ Author Unknown

"I am involved in a freedom ride protesting the loss of the minority rights belonging to the few remaining earthbound stars. All we demanded was our right to twinkle."~ Marilyn Monroe

"For my part I know nothing with certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream."~Vincent Van Gogh.



"Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: you are all stardust. You couldn't be here if stars hadn't exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and life - weren't created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today." ~ Laurence Krauss




*I'm a quote junkie. They're just like another drug.*













And I've written so much about me, yet it's still not everything. There's a million things I could say, and it still wouldn't sum everything up. My name is Kayla, and I'm 14 years old. I live in a small town. Sometimes I hate it, but sometimes I couldn't stand to ever leave. I don't like being lied to, but then again, who does? I'd take the truth over a lie any time, no matter how painful. I ski, swim, write and listen to music. I'm a shooting star wisher, longing to become a supernova savior. Insomnia consumes me at times, but it's my own personal torture of choice. Quotes, quotes, and more quotes. I can't get enough of them. Gain my trust, and you better treat it well. Let me show you my scars, so you can feel my pain.



When it comes to my inspiration and heroes, I have many. Some are listed below:

Courtney Moise -- A writer on here that I hope you all know, and if you don't, I tell you to look her up. Don't wait, do it now. Come back and finish reading this later. Read her poems first. This girl is literally amazing. Time after time, she lends a hand to those in me. She has saved me so many times. I will warn you though, you better treat her well. She might be able to be a savior, but she needs a hand to hold too.



Renee Yohe -- Renee Yohe is the inspiration for To Write Love On Her Arms. She was 19 when her friends tried to get her into rehab. She was a druggie, alcoholic, self-harmer, and had attempted suicide. When she couldn't enter the treatment center because of drugs in her system and fresh cuts on her arms, her friends took care of her for 5 days. Before they knew it, TWLOHA was started. She's alive now, and probably one of the bravest souls ever.

Jamie Tworkowski -- Founder of TWLOHA. Enough said.

My Technology Teacher (name not released due to privacy) -- My tech teacher is a man in his 40's. His son has a rare immune disorder, and he was given only 6 months to live. That was over a year ago, and he's still at it. The teacher himself is a brave man who has taught me plenty. He's the first man I ever saw cry. Not just tears, but actually cry. He's like a second father to me.



These people, along with a few others, are what inspire me daily and keep me going.