SeanWegmann

Human-ish.

Nearly English-fluent.

A*s-clown.

Possibly a Middle Eastern terrorist.

Probably not a child molester.

All phrases commonly assigned to prolific author Sean Wegmann. But you need more don’t you? Of course you do. Your crotch aches for it. Read on, you filthy nympho.

--Additional Juicy Praise for Writer and Comedian Sean David Wegmann--

“There really isn’t even basic sentence structure here. I’d be surprised if he wasn’t high on meth while writing this. I’ve done meth. Lots of it. This is how a shifty meth-head writes.”

—Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club and a huge meth-head, apparently

“I don’t like calling people talentless, but, yeah, this guy’s pretty much the worst.”

—Colin Doherty, Edgerton Times Picayune

“He’s an extremely dangerous individual. He often carries a variety of knives and combat batons on his person. If you see Sean Wegmann, immediately move to safety and call 911. And pray. And drink lots of water; it’s summertime. Gets real hot out there.”

—FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III

“S**t! I thought that kid was dead!”

—Mike Donlan, funniest man alive

“He was never like other boys his age. And, by that, I mean he was pretty girly. Not “gay”-girly; more like “have sex with anonymous truckers out on I-95”-girly. I’m not surprised in the least his writing is so strange. He’s a shame to the whole family, really.”

—Mary Wegmann, birth mother of Sean Wegmann, likely from her Vajamestown

“Sean Wegmann’s urban fantasy novel, Thigh Jiggle, is the only book I’ve never finished. It literally disintegrated after being thrown against the wall so many times. Oh, and I should add: I don’t think this guy knows what the “urban” in “urban fantasy” means. So many Tupac quotes…”

—R. James Crane, author of The Fleming Village Massacre: A Children’s Guide

“I think it’s important to remember, one day he’ll be dead and none of us will ever have to be bothered with him again.”

—Oprah Winfrey, formerly obese but now just semi-fat black woman

“As an Asian-American woman, an investment banker and a mother of five, I have never been more insulted in my life.”

—Rebecca Nguyen, Asian-American woman, investment banker and baby-machine

“I lost almost seven pounds reading Wegmann’s work. Much of that was from vomiting up the last two day’s meals. But, honestly, I’ll take the goddamn weight loss wherever I can get it. I’m not a f*****g moron.”

—Gertrude Shaw, largeboatsbiggerhoes.com

“Oh, yeah. I’d hit that.”

—U.S. Congressman Paul Ryan, Republican, 2012 Vice Presidential hopeful

“I once bit into a hot dog, only to find the dressing I thought was a dark green pepper was, in actuality, a rather large cockroach. I’d severed the creature in half, causing a mass ejection of creamy yellow paste from its insides. That experience was slightly more pleasant than reading Wegmann.”

—Luis Gutierrez, some dirty guy living under a bridge in Portland

“Who now? No. No, I don’t know who that is. Next question.”

—Paul Giamatti, ugly person

“Wow. Just… f*****g wow.”

—Bernard Everett, Time Travelin’ magazine

“Everything on the table: The modern humor scene needs more writers like him.”
After finding the question was on Sean Wegmann, not Larry Wilde:
“Oh, Jesus, my mistake. God, no. No, no, no. That Wegmann guy? That guy can rot in Hell for all I care.”

—Dr. Franklin Frankelford, Professor of Comedic Studies, Southern Voldemort University

“I like him. Cool guy.”

—Charlie Sheen, creeper