Kaij aka the Crit B***h

Merry Meet.

*grins* Hullo, poppet. I've gotten the title of "Crit B***h" which I wear proudly. See it? Do you see it! Good. I live by it. If you don't like it, run along and trip over a rock so you can tumble over a hill while I laugh.

My reviews are full of sarcasm and get straight to the point of what's bugging me. I also laugh at your eye-rolling sneerfulness to my tone. Why should I care? You posted your story up for a review, well, you got your review. No sugarcoating this time? Go angst then. Not everything is cherries and pie. Some of us have allergies to these things and can't deal with it. I just happen to be one of them. *puffs up*


KAIJ'S HEAPING PILE OF HATRED
*****
1.) When my review ends up being three pages long while your chapter doesn't even to make it to a page and a half. Congratulations, your story is the epiphany of horrid. Get your lazy butt out on the internet and do some research, then come back for more spanks.

2.) Fate and Chosen Ones who are Destined to do Great Things.

3.) Adverbs. Your dumbfounded fingers couldn't do any better than this? Puh-lease. State the obvious for me, won't you? *bats eyes* Example: She screamed [loudly]. Well, DUR-DA-DUR. Boy I must be stupid. I thought she screamed in a soft, lulling way. NOT.

4.) Stop pointing the obvious out to the readers. We don't need to know the ground was below someone's feet if they are standing. Geez, we aren't all stupid, you know?

5.) If you're a Suethor, I will find you and drive a stake through your heart. We'll see who's the almighty story-maker of lameness then.

6.) Cliches. Don't do them, they are so overused. You're a writer aren't you? Then come up with something that's unique!

7.) Evviillll characters. Don't EVEN get me started on these, you buffoons. Dark clothing, evil maniacal laughter, minions that are retarded. You know what drives them to be evvviillll? Someone made their life miserable a while ago and it's Payback Time. Their parents were meanies and never gave them the proper respect. World domination sounds awesome.

8.) *screams and rips out hair to those who like Eragon*

9.) Cases in which reality is kicked out the door. What am I talking about here? I recently read a story where someone jumped through a freaking glass window without any problems afterward. Uh, hello? Where the hell did all the shards go, you dingbat? Into your character's skin! They should be bleeding and plucking out glass! You know, that red stuff that comes out of your body when you're CUT. Geez. Get real.

10.) Were-creatures. Study about the animals that are part human for crying out loud! Don't pick an animal to be mixed with human because it's kewl. Read up on them. Too many people don't and you just get a human who looks like a critter. Hmm, haven't seen a were-turtle run so fast. Oh, wait. THEY DON'T.

What is it with people claiming werewolves as eevviiilll? Okay, yeah, so they're wolves. They have fangs. Have you done any other research on the species? They don't attack unless they are hungry, they don't howl at the moon, they howl to communicate with one another, they'd rather run from humans than have a close encounter. For the love of all things! Do your research!

Animals have "parts". Humans have "parts". What should a were-creature have? Parts! Why are there poor creatures out there that have nothing? Hell, no mating for them. *rolls eyes*

Another thing. Silver? Why is this a werewolf's weakness, if it's so in your writing? Is it because someone else said so, so you're sticking with it? Lame! Don't be lame! Come up with something on your own, or else you're a horrid excuse for a fantasy writer.

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Current Book
Unleashed
Chapters: 4

It all started a long, long time ago within the Era of Magic. A magic user known as the Evercast drew power from the environment and honed his skills without the gaze of a god watching him. He had his own place, and recruited a young orphaned girl to help him in his studies with beings not related to humans. Vampires, werewolves, and the like. After an accident occurred, he decided to test on humans. One failed experiment, then more started to uninterest him. Years later a rumor starts about a magical artifact and four people come to find that piece. Too bad that piece doesn't like to be controlled, and is just dying to get out.

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Funny Moment:

Dad: You going to a wedding?
Me: Uh, no?
Dad: You look pretty, what happened?
Me: I dressed in the dark.

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