Life can be simple, at it's foundation. It's getting to the core of life that makes living life at it's foundation so cruel yet endearing.
Life's propensity, inclination, nature, destiny, journey, etc., etc., etc. and ultimately life's meaning is simply this and oft loses this focus in our journeys: we will all endure our own hells in life but we will often forget to remember and or remind ourselves and others its more than the journey it's how you apply what you learn from the journey of life that is visible to yourself and others that has the possibilities of creating positive changes in all life that is the worth of the journey through the hell we call life.
Around the time I initially began scripting my thoughts, back in H.S., I oft wondered why my thoughts came so abundantly without end and why I was unable to speak that which came so naturally to my mind. I intentionally locked that that away until recently because no matter how long and hard I thought about not being able to speak what I thought it just seemed to open the door faster and wider for my never ending thoughts to over come me and so as to prevent constant mental overload I opted to lock the thought deep down inside my mind to not surface because just the normal flow of never ending thoughts is more than enough to endure and to have a single thought burden me so overwhelmingly to the point of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion was more than I was not willing to succomb to. After decades of conditioning myself to the point of curtailing even the natural flow of thoughts to only surface when I allow them, I am now thinking I might be capable to unbottle the single thought that was too much for me in my youth and maybe this old dog might be able to learn a new trick at the end of my journey BUT now that I have a speech impediment maybe now might not be a good time to unlock such an overwhelming thought considering I no longer have the abiity of normal/regular speech and that I appear to be incurring intermittent mini strokes.
Maybe before I pass I'll be permitted to speak my thoughts to the level that they flow from mind to quill to parcel but at this point in time I'm not believing this will occur.
Currently, to me, my scripted thoughts are like a calm flowing river with no end.
I would feel like an infant that is gurggling jibberish if I were to attempt to say what I think -- I laugh, in my mind, at this when I think of an infant speaking jibberish with a studder, one hell of a self inflicted joke if you ask me, lol.
Some how, the process of scripting my thoughts slows my thoughts down enough to process and speech is too quick of a tool to emit what is thought and speech is much more a useless tool now with my speech impedimet so I'll resolve to what I've conditioned my mind to release the thoughts to quill and parcel as this is what I do best at allowing the never ending thoughts to be released.
I sometimes frequent my previous documented scripts to review in an attempt to make corrections (mispelled words and or needed or unessential punctuation) and or add to or modify previous thoughts and sometimes wonder where they all come from. When I first began writing I know I had this conscience thought: "I'll write intentionally cryptic so as no one will truely comprehend my meaning and thoughts [as a defensive means to protect my private and inward self]". This being my conscience goal it intertwinced so naturally, quite quickly, with the never ending thoughts that the cryptic scripting developed to even more than second nature.
Often or maybe always when I'm scripting my thoughts it's like I have preconceptions of what I want to write and sometimes I wait days, months or sometimes I intentionally bottle/dam them up for years before I release them to quill and parcel but once I begin whether bottled up or opting to script right away the words just flow to my fingers as if my mind is literally at my finger tips. Sometimes the process is so quick I feel as if I am not there and my mind is scripting and I am being permitted to view what is being released. It's a very unique thing to watch something happen as if you are there but not there. When I was young I used to get headaches because my physical presence would be in constant conflict with my mental essence but over time that conflict became a joining of soothing harmony and why I no longer get headaches while writing but sometimes after but generally if I incurr rare headaches upon scripting something is oft due to releasing bottled thoughts for years. If I script regularly or immediately upon pressing thoughts desiring to be released I never incur headaches.
I did incur a headache upon releasing this to parchement because my mind has been wanting this to be released, or rather rereleased, for a few decades now. I created a preface for my initial book of scripts when I cataloged my H.S. and college scripts into book format but that book was lost upon the passing of my mother and think my subconscience mind (upon my monther's passing) began the desire to re-release what I had previously documented in my preface of my initial book of scripts because those/that documented thoughts were / are now forever lost.
Author Jo Billygoat, I wish to invite you to a group of ours, the WritersCafe Social Hour as I believe that it would be an interesting experience having you with us in our little group as fellow writers. Right now, the group is just under 20 members and we have a responsible and friendly administrator (author Kane Hagwood), so it'd be nice if you join the group and let us get to know each other and read each other's writing. The choice is yours, author Jo Billygoat.
On a side note: If you ever want someone to converse with, I can lend you an ear or two at your discretion. You may share those among your various stories that you are comfortable sharing ~ And again, I wish you a nice day!
Often feel as my scripts are like the waves crashing upon the shore --
Appearing to be the same of theme
Look closer and you will see minute differences
From afar they all appear as mangled insanity
Resulting in simply the landing of another aspect of my inward chaos that temporarily visited the reality of man.
Quickly retracting back to the internal recedes of my mind.
Another slamming into man's harsh, careless reality my thoughts wait yet for their empyty destruction to crash with meaning into man's existence.
I oft ponder to accompany an illustration of art with my scripts but think of how daunting such a task would be considering the volume and diverse thoughts within a single script and to assign a single piece of art to each script would, in my opinion, be a distraction to my scripts. I say let one's mind paint the picture of the art that my scripts attempt to draw and not attempt to confuse or disassociate the written with what the mind naturally draws.
Hence, I always retract from the thought to assign any art to my words other than the art that which the reader's mind might craft.
Saying i'm so tired on one physical/bodily failure after another affecting my "quality of life" or there of lacking the words do no justice the how tired I am of living in physical and mental pain every day of my life. I am so beyond being ready to go home and see mom, David, grand daddy, grandma, nanny, and pawpa that I wish my body would finally get what ever fatal attack it needs to release me from it all.
I'm tired of existing in a life that cruelly takes and never gives back any where close to what it takes. Tired of having to live in places where people are cruel and unempathetic to my many health issues and only care about themselves. Tired of day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year constantly facing joblessness, homelessness, and penniless and nothing to help me out of the rut I can't seem to find a way to help myself out of -- ever. I wake up scared that I'm taking my last breaths yet the immediate next thought is why am I not taking my last breaths. My mind is always messing with me and my body is always failing me too.
I'm tired of it all. I just want it all to end and my cease to exist.
I post this not in a effort to appease a good Samaritan nor for any aid, as I have posted all my scripts just posting to let it out and truly hope my end is very near. Been fightin life alone 90% of my life and don't and can't do it any more. Waking up another day is another of many depressing thoughts I have to start every day.
I just want to go home, what is so wrong with that? Where is God when you just want to come home to His house?
A word of advice to those seeking to "professionally" criticize my writing style -- not interested in such reviews. I have been writing for over 40 years and am comfortable with my writing style and I am always trying to correct punctuation and grammar in my writings -- are they perfect, no and I freely admit so but who is perfect?
In my understanding of "freedom of expression" there are no "correct" or "incorrect" or "will work" or "won't work" "standards" to evaluate one's literary expression because it's simply a "free expression". What works for a critic may not and most likely will not work for the individual(s) writing for the mere pleasure to express and write.
As for myself, I write purely for freedom of expression and if my expression is not up to par per current "critical professional standards" then so be it. If you don't get the meaning(s) in my scripts then that's ok. If you don't like how I write that's ok too. If you think I can improve on my writing that's ok as well but really not interested in being instructed on how I can "better" my writing style.
I am not trying to offend anyone when I write what I write nor am I trying to appease all when I write -- I am simply writing to appease myself in a means to relieve myself of the constant mental and physical pains I deal with daily. If in my attempt to escape myself in my scripts is not "professionally accurate" then I do not care at all.
So before you go "constructive criticizing" my writing -- read this "About Me" and know I am absolutely not interested in your reviewing my scripts and letting me know that I can write "better" per someone's "professional" critical opinion(s).
I recently saw a movie where an old man in the movie said he wished someone would take him out in a field and put a bullet in his head when he was no longer useful like they did to his dog. I too wish this daily.
Has been conveyed to me that how I express myself is "fluff". In my denotation understanding of "fluff", this criticism is understood that in my detailed expressions are filled with a lot of meaningless dribble. Never would have grasped this concept. Makes me wonder if I should continue writing. I know one person's opinion is not a reason to cease from expressing one's thoughts and feelings but to be said I am a "fluff" scripter is definitely something to think about with regards to future postings.
I feel like I am in a never ending movie that has just as many never ending plots. My popcorn are the scripts of all those that post poetry here. My mouth/brain is salivating and readily appeased at being able to not provide comment to all the jewels/scripts but rather a more exciting and releasing sensation by adding to or continuing the scripts I absorbingly read. Thank you all for your wonderful gifts that abundantly appease my never ending hunger of thought to put to quill. . . thank you all for providing me a river of opportunities, I so enjoy the "popcorn".
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