Andrew Close

Posted 7 Years Ago

HAHA...my reaction at the end was priceless. I really cuffed my mouth.

RECOMMENDATIONS

To add more meat in your writing, I suggest to be a little bit more descriptive language. For instance; you can describe the sound of 'your' daughter crying. E.g. My daughter's croaking voice wails resonate throughout our mansion as she cries, "M-m-monster!" in her most distressed tone.
*And you can express that it is 'something that you are used to' by saying; This is something that comes daily like a routine.
So technically I'm suggesting more use of similes, metaphors and onomatopoeia.

Also, I suggest, when the father opens the closet, you can engage the reader more by describing the daughter. An example would be; " I grit my teeth and quickly throw the door open; letting out a gasp...

I see a young girl with her thin light-brown hair falling shortly by her shoulders. Light olive skin like my wife's and fearful brown eyes like mine. My. Own. Daughter.

Grammar & Punctuation: I don't really like to focus my review on this since I see writing as a pure art but anyways, remember to put the comma before any dialogue and a capital letter when starting a speech.

Overall, Good job. The story I really loved. You kept me hooked!


Here are some examples of "meaty writing":

Bloodlust Confection (I heard you like horror lol):

On my doorstep (horror, heartbreak and really descriptive):

Missing Piece (a similar structured story as this one):

Her glacier (Calming heartbreak poem):

Face me (battle poem):

I will put this review on your comments section on your profile page so it is more accessible. I hope you gain a little bit of "meat" aha...