This is How I Feel, This is Real

A short text about my feelings, written a while back.

His smile no longer reaches his eyes. His face never lights up anymore. At least not when he looks at me. There was a time when he wasn’t ashamed to smile at me, but that time is long gone. Now he just smiles at her. I don’t even like to call her by name, it feels as if she isn’t even worth that. She’ll never see him the way that I do. There’s not even a chance. Maybe that’s okay for him, but it will never be okay for me. I can’t stand the look in his eyes when she doesn’t even notice him, she doesn’t even know that he’s there. I can’t stand the gut-wrenching pain it causes me just to look at him. I will never understand how he can choose to torture his own feelings by holding on so desperately to something that isn’t even there.

She’ll never see how he looks at her. She’s so used to the attention that she doesn’t even notice it. It’s a sad fact, but it is true.

The really sad thing about it is that her personality is just a façade which sooner or later will fade. That’s the good thing about being who you really are. You never have to worry about if people might find your true self, because you have nothing to hide. So if somebody chooses to love you, they really love you. They don’t love some illusion or false façade. They love you, everything about you: your mind and your soul. That’s a feeling that I think everyone yearns for.

I know that I do, it’s just that I yearn for him. I want to be loved by him, and I can’t help how I feel in my heart. Nobody can and I’m only human. I make mistakes as everyone does. I’m an average girl, I’m just not afraid to be myself instead of hiding behind a false image of someone I’m not.

Someday I wish that I find happiness. Someday I wish that I can feel good about my choices in life.

Someday I wish that I can get over him. For now I can’t let him go. For now he owns my heart.

I can’t help but to wish for his love, but it is a quest I do not think will be answered.

Maybe one day I’ll look back and feel good. Maybe one day I’ll feel good about how things turn out.

Maybe one day I’ll be loved for who I am, for now I am not.

That’s a fact that hurts. It hurts a lot.